The Black Curtain Club
Welcome to The Black Curtain Club Podcast, where a fearless group of women pull back the veil on the topics that keep their minds buzzing. From spine-chilling hauntings and cryptids that lurk in the shadows, to true crime tales that keep them up at night, nothing is off-limits. Tune in as they dive into pop culture, unpack their personal kinks, explore paranormal mysteries, and even shuffle the tarot deck to see what’s written in the cards. No topic is too taboo, too eerie, or too bizarre for this bold and unfiltered crew. If it’s been pent up in their brains, it’s time to let it out—join the conversation!
The Black Curtain Club
Healthy Sexual Relationships
This episode dives into the intricate workings of healthy sexual relationships, emphasizing the significance of communication, trust, and consent. The hosts discuss identifying red flags, managing emotional intimacy, and the role of self-care in enhancing desire and connection.
• Importance of communication in maintaining relationships
• Understanding and practicing enthusiastic consent
• Recognizing toxic behaviors and their impact on intimacy
• The relationship between stress, self-esteem, and sexual desire
• Enhancing intimacy through emotional connection and self-care
• Key takeaways for nurturing healthy, fulfilling relationships
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Before we begin today's episode of the Black Curtain Club, we would like to share a quick disclaimer. The views, opinions and statements expressed by the hosts and guests on this podcast are their own personal view and are provided in their personal capacity. All content is editorial and opinion-based, intended for entertainment purposes only. Listener discretion is advised. Hey everyone, before we dive in, a quick disclaimer for me, Nessie, one of your co-hosts here on the Black Curtain Club, we are not therapists or experts in this field. What we are sharing today comes from our personal experiences and opinions, as well as things that we're very passionate about. Please remember, this episode is not a substitute for professional advice from a doctor or a therapist. All right, folks, welcome to today's episode, where we're tackling a pretty important topic healthy sexual relationships and we're talking about desire boundaries and spotting those red flags that can turn a relationship from passion to something unhealthy. And I'm, Nessie, one of your co-hosts. Hi everyone, I'm.
Speaker 2:Brooklyn. I am one of the co-hosts at the Black Curtain Club. I am super excited to be joining you for this second episode. I was not on the first episode, which was Coffee Encrypted. If you have not listened to it, make sure you go check it out. I am the fourth horseman here and I've been eagerly listening to all the feedback and I am so happy with everything that I've heard so far.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, coffee Encrypted was such a fun, quirky kickoff episode for us to film. I think you guys definitely got to see a lot of the three co-hosts that were on there, which was hosted by Becca, angie and I, and we really loved seeing all of your comments. It's made our day and it set the stage for those deep and honest conversations we love having here as well.
Speaker 2:We are going to go a completely different direction today, as we dive into the topic of healthy sexual relationships, a subject that's both personal and essential.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're completely jumping from cryptids to sexual health. Let's get real. What actually makes a sexual relationship healthy? Actually makes a sexual relationship healthy. It's more than just that attraction. It's about trust, communication and recognizing when something isn't serving you. So today we're going to be diving into desire boundaries and those red flags that can turn passion into something toxic. So let's pull back the black curtain and get into it.
Speaker 2:We're going to break up the episode and do a few key points. We're going to talk about healthy relationships and what they should look like, the role of desire and boundaries, and how to identify and confront unhealthy patterns. Plus, we'll share some of our own stories and insights. So stick with us and we are going to start the conversation.
Speaker 1:Let's kick this episode off with just talking a little bit about who we are and why we're here. As I've said before, my name is Nessie and let me just be very real with you. I'm not an expert on this topic at all. I'm just a girl in my early teens who grew up with a godmother who's very passionate about teaching and promoting safe sexual practices within her career. I've had my fair share of unhealthy relationships and I've learned a lot through experience.
Speaker 1:I will definitely say even though I'm young, I am a huge fan of kink and all the dynamics that can come along with it from the structures and the conversations behind the dynamics to the discipline and all sorts of different things like that. Honestly, I'm just a goofy girl who likes to talk about sex like it's a part of my daily vocabulary and this topic is just important to me because I want to break that stigma around talking about sex and asking those important questions, especially when it comes to sexual health. It's very crucial to have those open and honest conversations and make sure we're spreading fun instead of harmful or hurtful stuff like diseases. I believe in creating a safe space where curiosity is encouraged and we can all learn without shame.
Speaker 2:And I'm Brooklyn. Sex is also a really common topic in my daily life and also probably one of my favorite topics. I have studied sexual health in college and I consider the ethical slut to be my own bible. I was blessed with parents that never demonized sex when I was young, so I just got to sort it out for myself without feeling guilty or shameful about anything. I believe that that is a huge part of sexual relationships is learning how to communicate better, especially in vulnerable situations where you're not feeling any kind of guilt or shame. I have also had a lot of experience in a lot of different kinds of relationship dynamics. I've had healthy relationships, unhealthy ones and even relationships where those two things actually coexisted together. So I just want to make sure that everyone can navigate those things to the healthy side and not there's no coexisting or any unhealthy.
Speaker 1:Exactly, I feel that same thing. So let's dive right into one of those important pillars of a healthy sexual relationship, which, to me, I personally believe is consent. We all know that consent is important, but how many of us really know what that enthusiastic and continuous consent truly means? It's about that clear, affirmative and voluntary agreement to engage in specific sexual activities. It's not just the absence of a no, it's about a positive yes.
Speaker 2:It could be verbal, like saying I want this, or non-verbally, like smiling, making eye contact or using body language or a sign that says, hey, I'm into this and I want to keep going, so I have a question because in schools I know they teach like there's literally no consent unless the person literally says yes, Like it has to be a yes, and like I feel the same way where I'm like, well, I don't think I have to like walk up to the person that I want to be with and be like I want this every single time, you know, I don't think I have to like walk up to the person that I want to be with and be like I want this every single time, you know, I feel like it can be pretty obvious and there's some times where it's not, and I feel like the times where it's not is obviously like when we need to kind of have a little bit more communication. But what do you think about that, Nessie? Like what do you think about what schools are teaching?
Speaker 1:So what I think schools are teaching and I actually that's part of what I'm going into next is they're teaching more of a continuous consent, which isn't a one-time check. You know, like I definitely I like that schools are teaching continuous, enthusiastic consent, combining the two, because we all need to know at the end of the day, that no does mean no. So if someone doesn't say yes, I want this, that still means they don't want it. Right, like it's not them. It's not them not saying they don't want. But I also understand where you're coming from, because I don't want to have to verbally say it every single time. You know, sometimes people just aren't in the mood and you have to say it verbally so they feel comfortable enough to tell you like, hey, I'm just not feeling that right now.
Speaker 2:For sure. And then I know, sometimes I think that in media, right now and like throughout my life, something that I've seen, that I am kind of catching on to, that is giving so many people the feeling where they want to push further after someone may not like want to have sex or be engaged in any kind of sexual activity is like you see something on TV where a guy is trying to, or even a girl is trying to, initiate sexual activity and the person's kind of like no, no, but they're like still kissing and then they end up going into it anyway, and I feel like that's kind of giving like media is giving people the wrong idea by doing that.
Speaker 1:It definitely is. I personally think that imagery like that is an image of forced consent, because they're not actually consenting at that point, so they don't really have that. You know, like they're, they're forcing that consent out of that person because they're continually nagging them about it.
Speaker 2:I feel like on TV, they make it look good, they're like oh yeah, like they ended up being into it anyway, and so I feel like it gives people the idea where, like oh, if I just keep trying, like they're going to get into it.
Speaker 1:You can't see my head, but I am nodding along with everything you're saying right now. So enthusiastic is that. It's not the absence of a no, it's more so. Yes, I want to do this like a look or something that you have communicated and decided with your partner. Not every person is going to have the same enthusiastic consent signal. Now, when it comes to continuous consent continuous consent again, is that maintaining the consent throughout the entire encounter, which is one of those. Is this still okay? Do you want to continue? And that way, at any point, if anyone feels uncomfortable, they feel safe enough to withdraw or modify their consent. Lot of pdsm and kink couples use is a safe word. So for me, instead of having that continuous consent where he's always asking me do you like this, do you want to continue? Because for me, that's kind of a turnoff.
Speaker 2:I won't lie I feel like we're so opposite in that way, because if someone is asking me like if I'm okay, I'm like oh, my god, how sweet of you.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm okay, let's make out some more like I think it's sweet, don't get me wrong, but it it's also like I guess maybe I like a little less sweet, but yeah, so for me and a lot, like I said, a lot of other people who are involved in the kink scene, that is just using a safe word. Something as simple as the word stop could actually be your safe word. It could be a hand signal, such as putting your hand up in the sign language sign of stop. It could be a fruit, it could be mango, it could be pineapple, it could be so many different things. You could literally have your safe word be Tyrannosaurus Rex, so it throws your partner off, and they're like what did you just say to me? So they stop all together. Like what your safe word could literally be safe word.
Speaker 1:Studies have shown that when consent is actively communicated, in some situations it actually leads to a better emotional and sexual satisfaction. For example, women who communicate their consent actively have reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction, and this goes beyond just that physical pleasure. Open communication about desires and boundaries and the things that we want helps build that trust in a relationship which is so, so, so important for emotional intimacy. What do you personally think about that, brooke?
Speaker 2:It kind of just clicked in my mind that I feel like there's a lot of people, especially women in relationships, who they start not wanting to have sex as often. And I'm thinking about resentment, because I feel like it comes to a point where when you're not communicating like, yes, like I want to have sex with you. Yes, like this is amazing and you're saying no, and the person's still trying to convince you over and over again until you're like, oh, my god, just shut the fuck up. Like, let's just do it. I guess it creates resentment. And then after that, like it, it goes the opposite way. Like you, you don't trust that other person, you don't feel respected, you don't want to talk to them about your desires, you literally don't want to have anything to do with them. And yet, especially if you're in a romantic relationship with them too, like you feel, like you're stuck because you're like, oh, like, I don't want to look at this person, I don't want to see this person.
Speaker 1:But like, like, I love them so much, even though, like, they're kind of not the greatest sometimes to put it lightly, yeah, and what I was gonna say, too, is like and personally I have seen that there's some research that, like, giving in resentfully, like that can cause trauma within yourself and within your relationship, and it does cause people to like push away from each other. And like it's not just about that physical act either and it makes you feel more comfortable, just to let go and be loose and free and comfortable and relax into what you're doing. And personally, I think that's what sex should be about. I think sex should be able to be used as, like a relief from life. You know, like, yes, it is a recreational thing to create another human being, but also, at the same time, like I think it's 2025.
Speaker 1:I think people are allowed to be like I'm stressed, I want to have sex. This is my person. Let's go do this thing. You're consenting, I'm consenting. Let's go do the things we want to do together and make us both feel better. You know and that's personally a way that I look at it too like it's a love act, it's a recreational act and it can also be a stress reliever yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:I feel like the best relationships that I've had and like the best sex that I've had always been with people that I can easily talk about that kind of stuff to um or like share the things that I want and I don't have to feel scared of it. Like I tell them and they're like oh okay, they either think about it and they're like I don't want to try that with you, or they think about it and they're like hell, yeah, but they're always like respectful, like it's just someone that makes me feel like I don't have to be embarrassed to talk to them about some about things that I want to do exactly well and like I love, like, I love that you said that, like it's a respectful thing because you're right, there are so many different pillars behind, like the actual act of sex that can happen and it's obviously it's it's not an every time thing.
Speaker 2:I just want to say, like I'm not an expert, like I'm not a therapist, I don't have any credentials. I have studied sexual relationships, sexual health, in school, but it is not where I'm going with my degree at this time.
Speaker 1:That's the word I was looking for credentials, the big word, the big C. The big C One of two big C's in this world, or three big C's, I guess I should say big C's. I guess I should say I can think of credentials, canada and clitoris.
Speaker 2:Oh, I was thinking credentials.
Speaker 1:Communication. All right, we got five big C's now. Yeah, all the big C's my guy. But let's dive back into talking about emotional intimacy, that foundation of any physical connection. If you're not emotionally connected then physical intimacy can feel shallow or disconnected in some cases. Now, if you're like me, sometimes, if you're not emotionally connected it can feel great. Sometimes it can make you feel really bad. It really just depends also on like your mental state. There's so many factors that go into that emotional connection and the physical intimacy behind this and emotional intimacy. But when you've built trust with your partner, you're able to be more vulnerable and open and it really deepens that physical connection.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely think that I'm the kind of person that I don't necessarily need so much emotional connection, but I do need to see respect. I know that a lot of people, especially women, they do want the emotional aspect of it. However, not everyone does. But no matter what, I think there has to be some kind of respect. Even if you want to be disrespected, the other person has to respect how far they can go with that or the fact that you want to be disrespected, and that's where, like that communication about boundaries and like kinks and likes and dislikes comes in right.
Speaker 1:Because when we talk about trust and these topics, you know like it backs, there's research that backs it up. It shows that that mutual respect and the trust of communication are directly linked to higher sexual satisfaction. As a woman who is with someone who I've known for a large portion of my life and I trust a lot and can have those open and honest conversations with about any way I'm feeling, no matter the situation, it definitely makes it more fulfilling and that's based on experience from trying things outside of think. I mean I've tried not having that connection and I personally it doesn't work for me, like that's where we're two sides of a different coin right there. Like you personally don't need that connection, Brooke, and I do, because I don't know what. It just makes it more like I want them to give a fuck about me.
Speaker 2:I guess that's I guess that's what it is no-transcript state of being like my, my family.
Speaker 1:I won't say it's not like they like openly, were like, yeah, go have sex. It's more like you're gonna do what you're gonna do.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna tell you no and that's just gonna make you do it more I was gonna say too, since we're on the topic of trust right now um, you need to trust yourself. Like if someone is doing the wrong thing, they're just giving you bad vibes, literally whatever. As much as you want to trust that other person not to be, hopefully, the way that you're thinking of them in the bad way, that's making you feel bad honestly just get out of there. Trust yourself. Your body's telling you something for a reason.
Speaker 1:And in the world of BDSM, trust is everything. When you're engaging in those power dynamics, you have to know that you can rely on your partner to respect your boundaries. If you're having that conversation with someone and you get that gut feeling of like oh, I don't think that they might respect my boundaries, I don't think this is a safe situation, please trust that. So, in summary, by prioritizing trust, respect and clear, continuous consent, we're not only creating a healthier sexual relationship, but you're also fostering a deeper emotional connection with your partner.
Speaker 2:Now that we've talked about the foundations of healthy intimacy, it's important to acknowledge that even in the best relationships, things can sometimes go off track Toxic behaviors emotional disconnects and mismatched desires are common more common than we think they are and they can seriously impact not just our sexual connection but also our overall health of the relationship and also our mental health. So in the next segment, we're going to dive into some of those unhealthy sexual patterns that can arise and how to recognize them, as well as, most importantly, how to address them before they cause lasting damage.
Speaker 1:Yes, toxic behaviors can really undermine any relationship. Things like manipulation, guilt tripping, coercion aren't just about one partner getting their way. They can seriously damage that emotional trust that you've worked so hard to build up. For example, manipulation often involves deceptive or abuse tactics like gaslighting, where one partner makes the other doubt their own reality and their self-worth. Another form is guiltlighting, where one partner makes the other doubt their own reality and their self-worth. Another form is guilt tripping, where a partner makes the other feel more responsible for their emotions and or their actions so that they can get what they want. Coercion, on the other hand, really is that act of pressuring someone into doing something that they aren't comfortable with, often with threats or intimidation. Or, like Brooke said earlier, like how tv shows some of those things happening where someone's saying no, no, no, and someone keeps kissing and keeps kissing and pushing.
Speaker 2:That's another form of coercion, just because media makes it look good doesn't mean it is.
Speaker 1:This is media likes to put a really bad deception of reality in your brain. So just be careful with what you believe behind TV and the movie screens.
Speaker 2:So for the manipulation, the coercion these things can lead to resentment. The person who is starting to resent the other partner is not going to understand why they're suddenly feeling this way, because a lot of the time you don't actually understand that you've been manipulated. Or even if you suspect that you are, your brain is going to be kind of battling back and forth, being like are they? No, they're not. They're a good person, are they? I think they are asking for your friend's input, not trusting yourself. Um, so they're going to start feeling resentment and it just it's an awful feeling. A resentment feeling is actually a blanket of five different feelings. I think it's disgust, anger, fear, sadness and, I think, detachment, if I remember correctly, all blanketed into one emotion which is resentment, and you don't want to have that feeling towards your partner because it's pretty much it's a killer.
Speaker 1:That's the relationship killer, and there are studies that actually show that toxic behaviors can cause a lot of damage to both the mental and physical health of our person and our relationship.
Speaker 2:And, if it is needed, don't be scared to seek help after experiencing any kinds of situations that can be considered this, any of these.
Speaker 1:A lot of these signs are the beginning and, like I said, they can be seen as red flags individually, as someone who has gone through and watched some bad situations happen. And, like I said, they can be seen as red flags individually, as someone who has gone through and watched some bad situations happen and I'm going to say the word domestic violence situation, because we need to not have that stigma around the word domestic violence and be scared. It is a scary thing, but we need to be able to talk about it, otherwise nothing is going to change right. So a lot of these are signs that are pointing to the beginning of domestic violence within a relationship and there's varying levels. Right, there's that beginner controlling level and then there's the part where they put their hand to like there's a lot of things that could happen. So if you do think you are seeing these signs, please be careful and please seek help if you think it's necessary.
Speaker 2:And that's why we need to pay attention to red flags at the beginning of relationships as soon as we meet someone, because they are showing you exactly who they are at the beginning. They are not going to change. If they seem amazing and perfect and worshipping you, that can also be a red flag, so be careful for that. But ultimately, if you notice something that's concerning before you end up in a relationship with this person, pay attention to that, because it's not going to get better and most likely will get worse once the blankets come off. I don't mean in the bedroom either.
Speaker 1:I meant like they're hiding under the.
Speaker 1:When the sheet is pulled off, the curtain is pulled back, when the true persona is revealed and the true intentions are there and you can actually see it. Just be careful, be safe and be healthy and be sane. Yes, and when intimacy becomes something that feels forced, it can do more harm than good. Feeling pressured into sex leads to the emotional distress and resentment like Brooke had mentioned before. It is also common for couples to have mismatched desires, and being able to navigate those differences can be tough, but communication is key in that situation, not trying to force anyone to change their input, for sure.
Speaker 2:And I think too, sometimes you might have to have a couple of different conversations and try a couple of different things to figure out what's going to work the best, Because I know some things are trial and error, which is a little bit unfortunate, especially to do with sex, because you don't want the error to end up hurting someone physically or emotionally. Sometimes it does happen, but hopefully with communication it will not be as damaging.
Speaker 1:If one partner is too emotionally unavailable or avoiding those difficult, deep conversations, or sometimes not just providing that support that you need, and the other partner feels like they feel invisible or unimportant. Those kind of things can lead to isolation and the lack of an emotional connection and can cause people to drift apart in their own relationship without even noticing it, and it's something that's really common and isn't talked about enough.
Speaker 2:It is really common thing that's really common and isn't talked about enough. It is really common. I've heard some pretty gnarly stories recently about emotional neglect. People don't understand that emotional neglect, especially if it's on purpose, is a form of abuse.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it's. You know, it's such a big thing and, like I said, I feel like a lot of people don't realize that. The emotional side of things and neglecting that is a big thing. Our emotions are a big part of who we are and that's part of why I will say this and I think this is a hill I will die on. I loved the new Disney movies about emotions Inside Out yes, that one, thank you. I knew it wasn't something about emotions, but it's also about emotions, if that makes sense. But Inside Out and Inside Out 2, I think those are really good movies, not just for the younger generations but for the older generations, to kind of understand how some of the younger generations feel when it comes to those things you were taught to be tough.
Speaker 2:The good news is that it can also go the opposite way as well, where appreciating the small things contributes to the bigger relationship and can make things much better Like the little letters and the pictures and just quality time and the memories that we both have together.
Speaker 1:Like being able to talk about those. Because, like, even in the rough moments, being able to talk about some of the good things but not using it as a cop out to not talk about the bad things. But not using it as a cop-out to not talk about the bad things. Use it as a reminder for the good times in the right situation at the right time, if that makes sense. Where I'm trying to go with that. Yeah, I agree with you. So if a relationship is stuck in an unhealthy pattern, it's essential to take action as soon as you notice it.
Speaker 1:Therapy is a great way to explore what's going wrong and to help rebuild that healthier communication. But therapy is not the end all be all for everyone. Sometimes it's not going to therapy and just sitting down with your partner and just saying like all right, I'm being blunt, we need to talk about this, right? Sometimes that's how that dynamic works. For other people Maybe it's sharing a journal to talk about your day and just feel a little more connected. There's so many little things you can do. Therapy, like I said, is not the end-all be-all, but it is a great way to explore what's going wrong and to help rebuild that communication.
Speaker 2:I was just going to say. I think sometimes it's got to be a combo of things too, trying different new things as well, and it can only be from one side that one person is putting in all of the effort to do the journal, try to talk to the other person. They're the only ones going to therapy. It has to be an equal balance of both or it's still not going to work?
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's another example of setting those boundaries. I mean, if it's going to help fix and explore what's wrong, you have to be able to set clear boundaries. Do you have any solutions that you've used personally or you've seen that help with situations like?
Speaker 2:that I think I'm really confident in my communication skills. I'm the kind of person that would rather just get the conversation out of the way and be like, hey, this is what's bothering me, let's talk about it. How can we fix it together as a team? As long as they're going to be pulling their weight, like as long as I see the changes made, heck yeah, all down for it. If not, obviously like there's going to have to be another conversation and, depending on how bad the issue is, that also could be like the end of the relationship. Other things I've tried. I mean, I go to therapy, I go to tons of therapy and I think that's really, really helpful.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, and I'm not trying to discredit therapy at all. I just know that, for me personally, therapy didn't help me, and maybe that's just a me thing, maybe I didn't have the right therapist, maybe I need to try it again. I am in no way, shape or form, trying to bash therapy. I actually do encourage a lot of people, like you said, improving your communication. Being able to openly express those emotions is the key to avoiding miscommunications. Using I statements instead of pointing fingers such as I feel this way, I want to try this. How do you feel about trying this with me? Well, now that we've talked about recognizing and addressing the unhealthy patterns in our relationship, let's switch gears and talk about something that is just as important Sexual desire. Whether you're looking to enhance your connection or simply keep that spark alive, desire plays a huge, huge, huge role in intimacy. So let's dive into that and let's give it away to Brooke, who's going to walk us through some of the tips and strategies on how to enhance sexual desire and keep that passion alive within our relationship.
Speaker 2:Thanks, nessie. I'm really excited to dig into the topic, because sexual desire is more than just physical attraction. It's influenced by our bodies, our minds, the ways that we connect with one another and, honestly, so many more topics just from studying and researching that I'm not going to get into all the way today. But we're going to break down the three that I just spoke about, which was the bodies, the minds and the way that we connect with each other. So there's going to be factors that influence desire that we're going to talk about first. These are both physical and psychological factors, such as stress, hormones and self-esteem. So stress itself is a bit of a paradox. For some people, high stress levels can suppress sexual desires and for others, stress actually might boost it. Perhaps sex becomes a way to relieve the tension. Sex itself can reduce stress, which kind of creates a full circle effect. Um, sex itself can reduce stress, which kind of creates a full circle effect, and then it releases oxytocin into our brains, which gives us the signal that we're actually craving human connection, which is why that, when we're stressed, people want to vent to their friends, they want to go out and have fun, they want to have drinks with their friends or they just want to go have sex with each other. Um, all of that kind of mixes in with stress, because when we're stressed it actually releases All of that kind of mixes in with stress, because when we're stressed it actually releases oxytocin, which is a human connection or love chemical in our brain.
Speaker 2:Hormones also play a huge role in this Testosterone levels. If they're higher, the desire will increase. Women usually have a lot lower testosterone than men, but if their testosterone is higher than it is in someone like another woman, then they'll have a higher sex drive. Like, I'm pretty sure that I have a higher level of testosterone than most women. I don't want to be jacked, I don't grow hair in weird places or anything like that, not to shame people who do, but I just women can't not want to have sex all the time, and that would be an example of that.
Speaker 2:On the other hand, higher levels of progesterone can lead to a decrease in desire. Progesterone can lead to a decrease in desire and then estrogen, especially in women, can also contribute to a higher sex drive. So some women, when they get their period, they want it more and that's because they have more of the estrogen going through them and then for self-esteem. That's going to be another factor that influences your sex drive. If you're feeling insecure or worried about your performance or other things in your life, your mind is in a bajillion different places and it's just making you feel like you're not confident. There's factors around you your home is making you not feel confident. It can put a damper on your sexual experience. So it's really important to remember that sex is actually highly psychological and how you feel about yourself, as well as tons of other factors mixing into that. Um, they all matter just as much as physical factors that you feel towards another person.
Speaker 1:I completely agree with that. I mean, I can attest personally and just say like there are some days where I am sad and that's not what I want, but there's some days where I'm sad and that is what I want because it's going to make me feel better, right, like it all comes down to that hormone balance, how I'm feeling about myself within that day. Like am I sad about myself? Am I having like some dysphoria throughout that day?
Speaker 2:Like what's going on, you know, and that's Also, research has shown that chronic stress, which raises cortisol levels, can interfere with hormones that boost your libido, meaning that managing stress just is not about feeling better, but it can actually improve your sexual desire too.
Speaker 1:So it makes sense why I said that I like to use it as a stress reliever.
Speaker 2:It's like a full circle.
Speaker 2:I've also heard actually, this is actually something that was in our um in our class. The class was based on the psychology of sex, where people who have are having good sex are feeling less stressed because of sex and they're feeling more free, open with their partners. It actually boosts their confidence and the way that they feel and look about themselves too. So that's kind of part of the circle is it makes you feel good about yourself and that's one of the psychological factors in sex. The better you feel about yourself, the better sex you're going to have, which is going to make you feel better about yourself and decrease your stress. Sex is a form of exercise and exercise reduces stress.
Speaker 2:Hey, I mean All right. So we're going to talk about communication, which is the backbone of any healthy sexual relationship. You've obviously heard us praising communication, this entire episode, pretty much. Communication is literally going to build your relationship or it's going to destroy it, depending on how you're using it.
Speaker 1:So when we communicate?
Speaker 2:exactly when we open. When we openly communicate, we not only build trust and respect, but we also set clear boundaries and express desires. If you're not clear about what you want or how you feel, it's easy for frustration to creep in. Healthy communication creates a safe space where both partners can express and explore their needs without fear of judgment.
Speaker 1:Yes, not having that like being able to go to someone and not being afraid to be like, hey, I just want to say this thing that we tried last time. I thought I liked it in the moment, but I'm realizing that I really don't like it anymore. Can we not do that again, like you have to be able to say stuff like that, because if you can't, then that ties back into that that enthusiastic consent. Right, you're not able to enthusiastically be like, yes, I want to do this thing with you right now. Like it, it's a big thing. And, like you said, we've been praising communication this whole episode, and I think I will take that to my grave. Communication is key. Having that open, honest, 100% communication where you feel like you can say anything to your partner without any fear of rejection or anger, is a big thing.
Speaker 2:I think that we both could. So I'm happy that you gave me this section to talk about, because I feel like communication is definitely one of my specialties. So communication is literally with all your relationships with your friends, your family members, any kind of relationships, your boss, your co-workers everyone like communication is. It's the best thing. When people aren't good communicators, I'm just how are you? How have you gotten this far in life?
Speaker 2:So some tips I have for fostering open communication in a no-pressure environment with your partner or in a sexual relationship. These are some things I found really useful is choose a time when you're both feeling relaxed and free from distractions. Listen carefully and avoid interrupting when your partner is speaking. Wait till they're completely done before you talk and give the person time to process and open up to new requested sexual actions without expectations of them saying yes, I'm definitely going to do this with you. Remember it's okay that if they do say yes, I will do this with you.
Speaker 2:They can change their mind at any time and approach the conversation with kindness and understanding. If someone says no, be this with you. They can change their mind at any time and approach the conversation with kindness and understanding. If someone says no, be okay with it. Move on to the next request and suggest a new topic. You're not being rejected. The way that you communicate during vulnerable times like this is going to impact the relationship, so just make sure that you're coming from kindness and love. Sometimes part of communication is also knowing to not communicate. So if emotions start running high, you might want to pause the conversation until you're both calmer. Maybe go get some food, maybe go watch a movie, maybe go have a shower whatever makes you feel calm, either together or separately, and then revisit what's going on when you're kind of settled.
Speaker 1:Yeah, maybe you just need to like exist together but alone at the same time. You know what I mean, like sitting in the same room just doing your own thing. Personally, me and my partner, we will literally sometimes just walk away from each other Like, hey, I'm done, gotta walk away for a second and then we'll come back in like five, six minutes, once we've cooled down, had a second to breathe, and being able to do that is such a peak, peak thing in a relationship.
Speaker 2:There's not a one size fits all normal when it comes to sex drive. In the sex and kink world, we know that everyone's desires are different. Everyone's fantasies are different. Currently, in this time, there's no such thing as normal, which is really good, because as a society, we have been moving away from the idea of normal for years now. Honestly, part of this, I give praise to Rihanna for releasing S&M when a bunch of us were teenagers. It normalized S&M, like BDSM, started becoming like a more talked about subject after she released that, started becoming like a more talked about subject after she released that. So thank you to Rihanna for helping show us that there's no normal in our society. Now Love her. You and your partner may have different kinks and fantasies. Communication, patience and taking the time to figure out what works for you is going to help navigate with this.
Speaker 1:Yes, having that open, honest conversation with your partner about what you like versus what they like and what you guys want to try together, things you haven't tried, all sorts of things like that. It's going to take time, especially if you have a partner who's newer in the scene and doesn't know a lot of the things that you want to try or isn't as into the thing. You have to be able to have those conversations about stuff like that and just remember that it's. It's gonna happen every once in a while like you may want to build a big you know polyamorous relationship style of a family in your relationship and your partner may not want that, but you have to respect that and understand that that's not something they're comfortable with.
Speaker 1:Communication communication, communication yes literally, we have just been brainwashing you all this episode to communicate with your partners because they paid us so that's going to bring us to research on balancing mismatched libido through communication and compromise.
Speaker 2:More about communication. The most important thing is knowing how to communicate with each other to tackle this situation. So having open conversations together so that you're able to understand each other's feelings and come to a solution that works for you. Make sure to be considerate of each other's feelings, since this is a vulnerable topic. Research says planning intimate moments in advance, exploring other forms of intimacy, physical closeness, can help maintain connection. These are things such as cuddling or massaging. They can all help you. When partners feel more connected, it can make them want to open up sexually more often, and you can also try other forms of sex. So not just necessarily penetration, but maybe oral sex or just whatever seems kind of fun and like good to you. Be open to new ideas and if you are not able to come to a conclusion, that might be where you have to seek a therapist's advice or some kind of outside help.
Speaker 1:And be open to new ideas, such as kinks Like maybe your partner wants to try some impact play. Maybe you're not into that, maybe you've never tried it, maybe you want to try it. Have that conversation, dude. Like it never hurts to ask the question, it never hurts to have the conversation, it also helps you learn a lot about yourself.
Speaker 2:If you're open to new ideas, you learn about something and you're like, hmm, I don't know if you'll like that, but I'll try it. I don't know if I'll like that, but I'll try it, right. You can learn so much about yourself, so much more about what you like, tons of stuff, and obviously about what you don't like too. So it's just good.
Speaker 1:It's good knowledge about yourself and what if it's something that just sounds like you think you wouldn't like it, but you have to try it? It's like. It's like when you're a kid and you're like I don't like that food and your mom's like well, have you ever tried it? Like it's not to bring your mom into a sexual conversation here, but have you ever tried it? Bud, do you know that you don't like it? Is it a hard boundary that you don't want to cross? Like for me, I'm never gonna let someone give me a golden shower and I will state that for the record. On fact, right now, I don't think I'll ever do that for anybody, because that's not a boundary I'm willing to cross, I'm not into that 100 there with you on that.
Speaker 1:No golden showers for us like I'm into trying things, don't get me wrong, but that will never be something I try. No, and I'm not trying to king shame, respectfully, that's just not my thing and when I think of that my brain just goes. But if that's your thing, that's your thing. And cool, be into it, that's your thing. It is very rare to find a partner that you have the exact same, identical interests with, and it's not going to be every single person.
Speaker 2:100 yeah, that's a good point. Um, we're gonna take some looks at some actionable strategies for enhancing desire and keeping the passion alive. So, first of all, setting the mood to create a relaxing environment. This is going to be different for everyone. For some, it's just going to be about the, the ambience. It's going to be like lighting candles, playing music, just having like a nice clean, tidy home. For other people, it might be watching movies, some good old netflix and chill. Um, for some people, it's going to be like crazy things like you want to go to the bar, you want to drink, you want to have the funnest night ever, you want to go to a concert. When you want to go home and you're like, yes, this was the most fun night ever. I am so excited to be with you.
Speaker 1:But the key is really figuring out what makes you and your partner feeling the most relaxed and ready to connect with each other you know, like, like there's so many things you can do and you can get so creative with it, as long as it's something that you and your partner are both comfortable with. Some people rent hotel rooms and, you know, go all out Fifty Shades of Grey. Some people just make a bed fort on the couch in the living room and have a movie night, and that's romance. Like nobody is the same when it comes to all these things. You guys like you have to remember that too.
Speaker 2:It's all about what you and your partner want and need in that moment together earlier we talked about stress and it turns out managing stress through self-care can also do wonders for your libido. Self-care is actually more about taking care of yourself. It's not the fancy things that we're thinking of, like taking a fancy bath with all the bubbles. It's not about having a wine night. It's actually pretty basic stuff like. Self-care is usually just eating healthy, getting whatever form of exercise you love the best, going for a walk, going to the gym, cooking for yourself, for people you love, drinking enough water and sleeping well.
Speaker 2:These basic things can actually increase your sex drive as well as your self-image. We know that when you're feeling good about yourself, it makes us feel better about having sex. In turn, as long as your self-image is improving, it's going to increase your sex drive as well. So when we take care of ourselves, it also creates a better relationship around us. Also, I am not trying to talk smack on anyone who's taking a fancy bath or drinking wine. I actually love doing both of those things. Those are just like they're like a more, like high, like higher self-care, like. I'm just talking about the bare, the bare basics.
Speaker 1:We're getting down to the bare basics, like sometimes self-care for I'll be honest, self-care for me sometimes is just being able to get up and take a shower, you know like. But then there are those days where I'm like, ooh, tonight I'm going to take a bubble bath and I'm going to use a bath bomb and I'm going to do a hair mask and like sometimes I will do those every and that's that's more of like luxury self-care in my mind. But it's such an easy thing, like little things like that. Or I'm gonna take my dog to the dog park today and I'm just gonna disconnect from social media for a little bit. Like little things like that. Those are such little forms of self-care and I think that we disregard the little things that we can do when it comes to self-care and, like you said, the little things can sometimes outweigh those big things okay, my one form of self-care I do every single day is just taking a shower.
Speaker 2:I just take a five-minute shower every single day and it does wonders for my mental health. The days that I do not take a shower I am like the crabbiest person and like I think it's just because I feel dirty or I don't really know, maybe like there's bad energies on me stuck from the day before or something like that. If I don't shower, I don't feel good, my brain doesn't feel good, I'm not the same. But that five minute shower does wonders for my mental health and that's like just the tiniest thing, that's like the most basic thing people do every well, most days is take a shower.
Speaker 1:For me and I really haven't been doing it much, which I should be doing a lot more, especially since I have more time is taking that even five to 10 minutes to just get ready for the day, putting on an outfit I'm comfortable in or that makes me feel cute. And if I have the time or the energy, sometimes I'll straighten my hair or I'll curl it or I'll do my makeup. But getting ready for the day just makes me feel a little bit better about myself too, that's. That's kind of like how you are with your little five minute showers, like that's part of getting ready for the day for me. So just being able to get up and do that is is such a wonder for my brain when I do it, for sure let's get to our final topic, which is going to be the role of non-sexual touch and emotional intimacy.
Speaker 2:Simple gestures like hugging, kissing or holding hands releases oxytocin, which is your bonding hormone, your love hormone, the one that I was talking about earlier, which wants you to get human connection. This deepens emotional connection and can naturally lead to a greater desire for intimacy. Emotional closeness built through quality time, shared laughter and supportive conversation lay in the background, sorry, lay the groundwork for a more fulfilling physical connection. Intimacy can be built through feeling safe to share feelings, validation and reassurance, gratitude or feeling appreciated, being in the moment, there and being able to openly communicate. When we feel happy and trustworthy with our partners, it increases our desire to be with them, to be near them and actually to be sexually intimate as well. So when you have a good emotional intimacy, it increases your chances of sexual intimacy.
Speaker 1:When I first started seeing my current partner, we didn't really have anywhere to hang out. We didn't want to meet each other's parents yet, so we hung out in the back of my car for a couple days and just did things around town, but like we just sat there and we watched invader zim, or we would just sit and talk and listen to music. Like we had so many little bonding moments that made us so close so fast because of those little things.
Speaker 2:When we invest in our emotional connection and take care of our overall well-being, our physical desire often follows suit. So, to sum up, by understanding the role of stress hormones and self-esteem and being, and by fostering open, kind communication, we can navigate differences and desire and even enhance it through thoughtful self-care and intimate gesture.
Speaker 1:Yes, like, and some little examples of things like that is you, you know, again having that conversation about those differences in desire, or even going that extra step and maybe drawing a bath for your partner. Like hey, I noticed you're stressed. Maybe you need a little bit of self-care. Here's a bath, just take your time, relax. I set up the iPad so you could watch your show while you're just in the bath, relaxing. Like do your thing. Little things like that can also be seen as intimate gestures as well, as like hand-holding and hugging and kissing and cuddling and all those big things too.
Speaker 2:Thank you, nessie, and thanks to all of you for listening. Remember, exploring your sexual desire is a journey that involves both self-reflection and honest dialogue with your partner. Don't be afraid to experiment, communicate and seek help when needed.
Speaker 1:That is right. We hope this conversation inspires you to look deeper into your relationships, even just with your friends and with a fresh perspective, and to nurture the passion and whatever brings you guys close together. Help nurture that and look deeper into that. Before we let you guys go for the day, let's quickly recap some of the key takeaways from today's episode. Today we've discussed the importance of identifying unhealthy patterns in relationships, whether it's communication issues, trust problems or intimacy blocks. It's crucial to spot these patterns early so we can address them before they get worse. Don't ignore the red flags and always remember that it's okay to seek help when needed.
Speaker 2:And enhancing desire and understanding its role in intimacy can really transform a relationship. It's not just about physical connection, it's about emotional and mental closeness too, and when we take the time to understand what drives desire, we can deepen the connection and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Three two one we want to hear from you, okay, we need to redo that, all right, all right, okay.
Speaker 1:So we're gonna do a fun yell, right? Is that what we're doing? A fun yell, a fun yell, okay. Three, two, one. We want to hear from you one last try to get this on sync.
Speaker 2:You do the countdown this time, okay three, two, one we want to hear from you. I think our second one was the best one becca can decide with the three.
Speaker 1:Okay, three, two, one. Please don't forget to just I'm so sorry, okay, please don't forget to subscribe. Share this episode with anyone who you think might benefit from it and reflect on your own relationships and yourself. What patterns did you notice and what's working and what might need some attention in your own life?
Speaker 2:And if you're going through challenges in intimacy, remember it's okay to seek help. Whether that means talk to a therapist, seek resources or having open conversations with your partner, don't hesitate to take that step.
Speaker 1:Feel free to share your thoughts or questions with us on social media, because we would love to continue the conversation around this.
Speaker 2:Take care of yourselves and remember that healthy relationships start with understanding, communication, caring for each other and for yourself. And before we sign off, don't forget next monthly. Don't forget next Monday. Oh Lord okay, I'm gonna mute. And before we sign off, don't forget next Monday, tune into Murderous Mornings with Angela and Becca. They've got some wild insight and some fun stories lined up to kick off your week. Trust me, you do not want to miss it. Have a great rest of your day, you guys.
Speaker 1:I had such a fun time discussing this topic with you, brooke, and I hope you have a great rest of your day, you guys, I had such a fun time discussing this topic with you, brooke, and I hope you have a great rest of your day. Goodbye, my loves, bye, bye.
