S2E2: John Paul Jones America’s First Naval Gremlin

The American Revolution didn’t just need speeches and muskets, it needed a navy that could survive against the most dominant fleet on Earth. That’s where John Paul Jones storms into the story: a Scottish-born sailor who shows up with a talent for violence, a deep hatred of the British Empire, and a willingness to do the kind of things polite history books often sand down. We follow how he goes from merchant routes to becoming a Continental Navy icon whose name still rattles around naval history like cannon fire. 

We dig into the messier parts too. Jones is portrayed as a contradiction: someone who condemns slavery and takes real risks to free enslaved people, while also embracing pirate tactics, deception, and a brutal brand of warfare that raises serious ethical questions. We talk privateering, stolen ships, forged paperwork, and why Britain paints him as a pirate scourge. Then we hit the legendary moments, including the Whitehaven raid and the Bonhomme Richard battle against HMS Serapis that gives us the immortal line: “I have not yet begun to fight.” 

Along the way, we nerd out on Revolutionary War logistics: how sailors navigate by constellations, how trade routes function like highways on the Atlantic, and how commanders plan around slow, outdated information. We close with Jones’s strange afterlife, from an unmarked grave in Paris to being honored at the Naval Academy in Annapolis, plus the wild footnote of a pardon from Whitehaven in 1999. 

If you like American history, naval warfare, and true stories where the “hero” label feels complicated, hit play, then subscribe, share the show with a friend, and leave us a review. What’s your verdict on John Paul Jones: patriot, pirate, or both?

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Transcript

Disclaimer And Listener Warning

SPEAKER_03 0:14

Before we begin today's episode, we would like to share a quick disclaimer. The views, opinions, and statements expressed by the hosts and guests on this podcast are their own personal views and are provided in their own capacity. All content is editorial, opinion-based, and intended for entertainment purposes only. Listener discretion is advised.

The John Paul Jones Reveal

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Hey Ann, I got a question for you.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Hey Kyle, hit me with your question.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Jesus, that was so fucking pretentious. It was so fucking Anywho. I can't I honestly can't wait to hear your answer on this one. This is gonna be kind of fun.

SPEAKER_03 0:57

Alright, you got it.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

What do you get when you mix crippling spite, unlimited audacity, absolute zero fear of death, and throw it onto a ship with a bunch of pissed-off revolutionaries?

SPEAKER_03 1:10

Well, except for that last part, I was gonna say me on a random Thursday, but um uh yeah. I don't know. Uh definitely I know we're talking like this is our month of America, so I kind of want to say George Washington, but I know that's not right.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

So close, but absolutely not.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Who are you a fucking owl? John Paul. John Paul, motherfucking Jones.

SPEAKER_03 1:45

Ah, John Paul Jones. I should have, I should have known it.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

You should have, because I said it like four times in like three episodes.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Anywho. Um, oh, and before anybody asks, no, not John Paul Jones from John Paul Jones. I'm talking about the angry Scottish sea goblin who became America's first psychopath naval psychopath.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Just our first?

SPEAKER_01 2:07

He was our first. Our very, very first naval psychopath. And actually, fun little fact that we'll get into a little bit. One uh, he was one of the because I think there was like seven or eight of them at the time, he was the very first American one of the very first American naval officers.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Yeah, and he got the job because he was fucking unhinged, insanely violent, and had a deep burning hatred for the Brits.

SPEAKER_03 2:35

I mean, you know, that's very on brand for this country.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

It checks out. And fun thing he wasn't even American. Technically, nobody was at the time. Because remember that. Everyone thinks of the American revolutionaries or the people who were like born and racer. Most of them were like British defectors.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Yeah. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Like Washington fought for the British Army. Like, all his generals fought for the British Army. Like they're just like, fuck you guys.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

Treasonous bastards.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Hell yeah. America. Anyhow.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Okay. Born in 1747 in Scotland, Faza! Yeah, but you didn't do it. I really expected you. I'm so disappointed.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Hey, hey. We just started the f we just started the fucking episode.

SPEAKER_03 3:26

I know, but you've already d you know what I'm saying. You should have done it.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

You think this is the only date I have?

unknown 3:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

You think this is the most important thing with the date attached to it I have for the whole episode? Do me a favor. Sit down, shut the fuck up, and enjoy the goddamn ride.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Yes, sir. But at the same time, though, don't show up because we need a little bit of back and forth here, because otherwise it's gonna be me reading up bullet points.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

I promise I won't fall asleep.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

Well, yeah, it's not Halo, it's actually about a violent Scotsman. I have a I I have a feeling. Fuck it, I'm gonna say it. I have a feeling that just by his actions alone, John Paul Jones is gonna become a hear me out.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

I'm just Yeah, do we have any paintings of him? Do we know what he looked like? Was he hot?

SPEAKER_01 4:09

I mean, there's just paintings of him, so like, pretty sure. Let me see if I can actually send one to you right now. Um, like I said, it's not John Paul Jones, the like singer. The like really ugly singer from like the 60s or the 70s.

SPEAKER_03 4:26

Um Paul Jones Navy. That's what I need to look up.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Yeah, I think he was the one that people thought was this is the most famous picture of him. Uh uh. You know he kind of reminds me of a little bit, unfortunately. A lot of the pictures of him, or his most notable pictures of him, looks a lot like um what the hell's his name? Uh Jason Isaac's character from The Patriot.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

So like Jason Isaac's from The Patriot, like, alright, we're talking about Jason Isaac's here. That's a handsome man. Um, but um, his character in that movie is one that I fucking deeply despite. He's a fucking bastard in that movie.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

Yeah, okay, so the paintings that I'm seeing, like, he's not.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

So I just sent two of you. Two to you. Um the black and white one was propaganda, and the colored one is his most famous picture from his famous, uh, one of his more famous battles. Those are his most known pictures.

SPEAKER_03 5:30

Okay, so the black and white is propaganda?

SPEAKER_01 5:32

That one's propaganda. He didn't actually have a skull and crossbones and all that other kind of hard shit.

SPEAKER_03 5:37

If he really looked like that, now that's a hear me out.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

That's that's kind of like a well, like the only stuff that they kind of overdid was like the skull and crossbones because they were painting him as a pirate, because you will find out he essentially was.

SPEAKER_03 5:50

Yeah. But like uh, but the second picture, uh, you know?

SPEAKER_01 5:55

I mean the second one definitely captures the type of person he was, trust me.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

Trust me, the second one is much more, I feel at least personality accurate.

SPEAKER_03 6:03

Okay, so yeah, he may be a hear me out, maybe. Okay, perceive.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Okay, anywho.

Merchant Sailor Turned Slave Liberator

SPEAKER_01 6:12

47 Scotland. He at the time he was just born John Paul. There was no Jones. I don't know if like Scotland at the time was literally that poor they couldn't afford three names, or that he just didn't have a last name, but he was literally just John Paul. And John Paul, not Sean Paul.

SPEAKER_03 6:29

John Paul. Do we know why when he got picked up the Jones?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

We do.

unknown 6:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

I don't know if I have the actually have the date, but he does uh I don't think I actually have the date written down here, but yeah. It's uh interesting. Okay, who's really, really smart he was, but yeah, no, he has parentheses, he adds that later. Um not a whole bunch is known. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it a little bit like Jesus. Um not a whole lot is known between like his birth and then when he's like roughly a young man. So we're talking probably 20-ish years, is just kind of like eh, he was just some Scottish schmuck, I'm assuming. Yeah, okay. Not a whole lot is there. Because nothing gets spicy until it becomes a merchant sailor. Becomes a merchant sailor, and he is very bored. He doesn't like this, you're just kind of selling around. So, you know, back before there was, you know, like Amazon, one day shipping, overseas and whatnot. You know, you had you know, you were sailing and selling your shit back and forth. It was really bored. He did not like it. Somehow he got duped into um one of British uh shameful pastimes of slave trade. And uh that that didn't that didn't sit that didn't suit sit too good with him. Um in some of his uh late in some of his um like letters he was writing his diaries and all that kind of shit, journals and whatnot, he would say that it w uh some of his after the wars or whatever that some of his greatest regrets was that he didn't act sooner upon working on the slave ships because uh you know like he was one young guy. He can't exactly start like freeing these slaves off of these ships because he would just be dead. Right, right, right, but it ri it it never sat well with him. He he thought it was an absolute um atrocious thing. Um he never was okay with slavery. So score one for John Paul Jones of us liking him. Um Yeah, then finally one day he was just like, you know what, I am completely done with this. Uh I'm gonna start doing whatever the fuck I want. So this man is now making his wage as a merchant sailor, but he's also He's also taking a little bit off the top. You know, he's skimming some of the money, you know what? Fuck the British. I'm just gonna take some of the money and making for selling the people and selling all the stuff. So he's literally embezzling money from the British Empire for all their kids that they're sailing. Um was it at that point he actually ends up um getting his own ship. So he's done with that. He's a he's skimmed enough money that he's actually able to captain his own ship. So now he becomes a privateer or a merchant for the British himself. So now he's the captain, so he's the one that people would be afraid of of being killed if they're doing things like that, right? But nevertheless, he still goes to Britain, he's sailing for the Britons, and they're telling him, like, okay, take our goods and bring them over there, eh? And he goes, Okay, fine, cool. Um, if it was slaves, he immediately is like, hey, here's what's gonna happen. Um, I'm not gonna bring you to where they're telling me to. Where do you want to go? Because that's where we're gonna go. And they were like, huh? He goes, yeah, no. So he would like unshot- he as soon as they like got out of port with an earshot of like the customs agents and shit like that. He just freed them all and was just like, where do you want to go? You wanna go home? Where's home? Tell me where to go. We'll we'll set a course. And he was just freeing slaves. He's like, What are they gonna do? Fucking stop me? It's one ship in the middle of the fucking ocean. I said, I'm just gonna f uh dude, you were expected here two weeks ago. What the fuck? Hey, there was it was a storm. Like, right now, right. We got we got lost because you know, it's the fucking 1700s. I don't got goddamn GPS yet. Magellan wasn't born for us to name a GPS after him. My bad. I went the wrong way. He was literally he was literally just freeing slaves. Like, did it didn't give a fuck. Nice. Um, and and because of that, he made an insane amount of allies all throughout the world. He was starting to make a lot of enemies too, so like that wasn't sitting too good with his crew. Um, but then at the same time, though, it's the word against a couple of like sailors against like the captain. And same thing. I mean, we're talking like forging documents, like, oh yeah, no, they were delivered, and so like same thing. He was like making friends with like harbor masters and shit like that. Like the so he's bringing like he's like freeing slaves, and then like the tribes people they're giving him like more goods and like money and shit like that. Like they're literally just throwing gold at him for it as like a thank you. And he's then reinvesting that and like bribing portmasters, so when they show up, they're forging the documents, like, yeah, he delivered the slaves. Big whoop, want to fight about it? Like, you know, it's fantastic. So he's already starting to like corrupt from within. Um, but it doesn't really, you know, that gig lasts like a couple of years. Uh, and then uh what's it called?

Killing A Mutineer And Fleeing Britain

SPEAKER_01 11:26

One of his sailors uh lets him know that he's gonna shoot his mouth off. And so before he can shoot his mouth off, uh John Paul Jones just shoots him. It was like his hesitate. It was like his first mate. And his first mate was like, hey, we're taking over the ship because you're freeing the slaves. And like, slaves are cool. And John Paula Jones was like, No, they're not. It's actually pretty fucked up. Like, just do your own work, you lazy bastards. And they were like, We're gonna tell the king. And they're just like, hmm, tell him with an extra hole in your head. He said, huh? Bang! Kill this first mate. Needless to say, the UK was PO'd, so he effed off ASAFP. Okay?

SPEAKER_03 12:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

Uh this is where the Jones comes in. So like kills his first mate. Britain Great Britain is like, Arrest that man for killing his first mate and for getting rid of all the slaves. And he's like, you know what? Fuck you guys, I'm going to Virginia. And just runs away to the new world. Just runs away to the colonies. Okay. Sets up shop in Virginia. And respawns as the very elusive, because no one will find him under the name of John Paul Jones. Hey, looking for John Paul. I don't know if you talk about John Paul Jones. Like, but like that's literally all it was. I was like, oh no, like for John Paul, not John Paul Jones. I can't be this guy. Right. That's how fucking easy it was, by the way. Only like fifty years ago, you can just like go two or three states over. Not even, like, two or three towns over, and then just like start a new fucking life. And like, no one was gonna look for you. Like, imagine how easy it was then. He literally just sailed across the ocean. And they were like, oh, he's across the ocean. Yeah, fuck that. That's a lot of goddamn water. Fuck it. It's like I'm not leaving that alone.

SPEAKER_03 13:18

I'm still cracking up at the John. They're looking for John Paul in the past.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

It's like not John Paul Jones. No. Alright. Nothing to see here. We're looking for John Paul. What's your name?

SPEAKER_02 13:32

John Paul Jones. Oh, wait, we're looking for John Paul. Never mind.

unknown 13:36

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

You look exactly like this man as he's been described to us, and you even sound like him. No, it can't be me. Oh happens all the time. You're looking for John Paul? Yeah. John Paul Jones. John Paul's the next town over. Oh, so terrible. Sorry, it's lovely day. Pop's her uncle. Like, you know, and they just like scurry away where the fuck. Like, what? It's just maybe when I first found out about that. Honestly, I I knew that he did that one before I saw the movie Shang-Chi and the Ten Rings.

SPEAKER_04 14:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

That's like my favorite scene in that movie is when what the hell's her name? Uh Aquafina's in that one, right? And so he goes, like, my name's not. My name's not Sean. It's uh um My name's not Sean Chi. He goes, it's Sung Chi. Like he says it. I'm so sorry if I've offended the entire country of China on that one. I don't know the way he actually did it, but he just says, he essentially just says, like Sean Chi with like a Mandarin accent. And she literally just like you're hiding from your international immortal father, and your e your best disguise was going from Sean to Shun, was going from Shun to Sean. Are you freaking kidding me? That's all I thought of, because you wait, you're hiding from literally the British Empire, and you just changed your name from John Paul to John Paul Jones, and you're just like, it worked, didn't it?

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Oh, you know what? The British had it coming. I mean, they did.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Fuck them. Like, fuck them. They get a couple good things from them, but let's face it, right now at this point in history, they're kind of bastards.

unknown 15:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

Like this is this is like the peak of colonizing. Like, they are. There's a lot of genocide going on right now all over the fucking world. There's a lot of chopped-off hands. There's a lot of slaves.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Right now, fuck the British Empire. So anywho, he's now hiding in Virginia. And the American Revolution

The Revolution Needs A Navy

SPEAKER_01 15:41

starts. And he was like, wait a minute. You mean those dipshits from across the way? We're kicking their asses over here too? Yeah. One question. Yeah. Where the fuck do I sign?

SPEAKER_03 15:54

Yeah, sign me up.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

And he was immediately like, yes. And he was like, now my second question. They're like, yeah, what's up? Where's your fucking navy? We ain't got no navy. We ain't got no boats. You got canoes and vibes. That's it. We ain't got vibes. Have you seen the size of their fucking- You know what they got on those boats? Things called cannons. You know what cannons are? Fucking dangerous. They got a lot of them. We ain't got none. And they're like, well, what are we gonna do? He goes, this is exactly what you're gonna do. You're just gonna let me do my thing. You're not gonna let ask any fucking questions. That's it. There's gonna be no such thing as rules of engagement and no Oh, what is it? Um conduction of a gentleman. I think it's what rules of gauge recalls. Like, yeah, he goes, like, I'm gonna fucking do what I want, and you're just not gonna ask any questions. Capish. And you're like, we don't know what any of that means, but sure, go ahead. Um But all seriously, at this point, in in the 1700s, the British Navy was the brit the fucking British goddamn Navy.

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

It was the strongest Navy in history until the Pacific Fleet in World War II. The British Navy was undefeated and an absolute The only thing that came close with was the Spanish Armada, but guess what stopped the Spanish Armada? The fucking British Navy. Right. Like that's it's I can't even come up with a funny enough joke about like how fucking serious, like, it was. Try to think of like Yeah, try to think of like an actual like ancient Navy. Like of like Oh god, what was it? The Great Heathen Army of Ragnar Lothbrook went up against the actual American Navy nowadays.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Yeah. That's how fucking outgunned we are. Right. Right. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Um so they say, okay, we're looking for volunteers, and the man actually stands up and goes, I volunteer for violence. And that's when he says, like, I'll get us a navy. Uh this is where it gets great.

SPEAKER_03 17:55

Okay. Yes, tell me everything.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

This is where it starts.

Stealing Ships And Taking The Fight Home

SPEAKER_01 17:59

His first act of acquiring a navy sails across the Atlantic in like one of the ships, by the way, that he stole to come to America in the first place.

unknown 18:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Stole a British vessel.

SPEAKER_03 18:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

That's exactly what this man fucking did. He goes across the way. He goes off of the coast of Ireland? I think he goes to Ireland. And he steals a ship from there. From there, he then takes it to France to get like outfitted, re-armored, reset, and so on. Uh, whatcha call it? Uh, freed and Anytime this man is traveling, he he this man had no downtime. He had a lot of side quests. On any of his travels, if he saw a British ship, he was fighting that bitch. It was hands-on-site. All the time. I'm not kidding. If he's sailing across the way, he's he's just blowing up ships. If it's if at if he's not sinking them, god damn it, he's slowing them down a little bit. He is freeing slaver ships, he's freeing the slaves. Most of them are voluntary, goes, listen, I could either take you home when I'm done with what my shit is, or you fight for me like you can get paid. And they're like, Alright, where do we sign? So he's now just like a kind of amassing his own army, his own fleet at this point. Goes to Ireland, gets his flagship, brings it back to France to get re-armed, resettled, you know, all that kind of fun shit. And proceeds to just raid all around Great Britain. Because on his way over, he had this awesome idea and he sends himself like a letter back. He goes, I have this great idea. We're getting attacked by the British, right? And they're like, Yeah. And he goes, like, the British can't attack us if there isn't Britain. Right?

unknown 19:49

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Literally, he takes the fight to them. That's when he goes over. Now he's just raiding ports and towns and villages. He's literally just like sneak attack. He is just like popping in, blowing shit up, going to the next one, popping in, blowing shit up, going to the next one. He he these are pirate tactics. He was an actual pirate. But because he did it in a uniform and he fought for the winning side of the war, he's labeled as like a patriot and like a hero and so on and so forth. I think it was the British. We need to exactly see what it is. This man is rolling into town, he's blowing shit up, he's taking their goods, and he's doing whatever the hell he wants. He is a pirate. It's exactly what he's doing. So that's why there was that picture that I said that was like propaganda of him. This is a scourge that's out there and so on and so forth. This is this barbaric man and so on and so forth. That's where they put the skull on the crossbones, and they labeled him a pirate. Um, and so that is the only way. There is no, if you ever come across this man, there is no quarter given, there is no surrender, you kill every single one of them. He is a pirate. So they have like a kill order on, not a kill-capture order, it is kill John Paul John's on Zai.

SPEAKER_03 20:51

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

Yeah, so all the while, also, he is now just massing his Amada and his army. At this point, subtlety and stealth has completely left the group chat. They've just alright, we we're done. He's gonna keep doing what he wants. Now, do me a favor.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

Yeah.

Whitehaven Raid And Pirate Tactics

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Picture this.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

There it is.

SPEAKER_01 21:18

Whitehaven Whitehaven, England, 1778. It's a Tuesday. Probably around dusk. Maybe twilight. It's twilight.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

Picting it.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yes. Blackbird singing. Maybe some bats. Whatever the hell roasted pheasant horse shit that your wife is overcooked and is disgusting is still burning on the cobblestones. You go out to your window to realize what a shitty life you have. And then all of sudden, you see an insanely ill tempered, angry Scottish American revolutionary pilot blowing up your fucking harbor.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Nice.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

He went he went to Whitehaven, England. Which was the largest uh naval port, so that's where like pretty much like their ships were built. And he went right into that thing, and he is absolutely just blown. Remember the first Pirates of the Caribbean?

SPEAKER_03 22:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Okay. And one. Holy shit of a fucking movie, am I right? Like the only other movie that comes just as subtly sexually charged by the pretty much the entire cast is The Mummy. Like those two movies. Yes. Dude.

SPEAKER_03 22:35

Well, it's funny because the whole time, like I'm thinking of I've been thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean because, like, you know, they whip the dog shit out of the English um Navy too in that movie. I would not be surprised.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

I would not be surprised if at some point, like, it's revealed that, like, oh yeah, no, when we were Captain Jack Sparrow, we thought of like John Paul Jones and Keith Richards. If they had a baby, what would it be? Fucking Captain Jack Sparrow.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

That's what it would be.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Like anywho, but so like, remember the in the scene in the very beginning of the movie where the black pearl is just in the middle of um, oh god, Port Royal. Yeah. And it's just opening up both sides. Yeah. That's what this fucking guy did. He sailed into the middle of the biggest harbor and he's just unleashing hell. A sole ship. He didn't take his armada. He went in himself because he figured one ship can move a lot faster than the rest. His own ship and crew went in and destroyed the biggest port that they had. They were setting fire to the ships that were being built, that were built. It was really late at night, so like there was no one, everyone was either sleeping or just like on guard. They're okay, it's our home turf. Who's gonna be crazy? And I was like, no one would dare invade us and do anything like that and come all the way across this. It's completely okay. Yeah, trying to listen to fucking John Paul Jones, okay? He's not gonna fucking listen to you. Um doesn't even suffer.

SPEAKER_03 23:59

Somebody tell Netman nothing.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Exactly. They mommy didn't read too good. He doesn't suffer one casualty, not a scratch. He burns like burns about half of it to the ground because he knows, like I said, because he spent time out there, he's raided them so many times, and some of the people defected there, he knew like where like the ammo houses were. So he specifically targeted like the like the powdered rooms and like the powdered warehouses and shit like that, blew them to oblivion off the rip, was sinking the ships, lighting the ships on fire. They were literally jumping off like little like fucking fire ants and burning the ships down in the port. And then just like on their merry old way, and they started singing, Way, hey, she's rising. They're literally sailing out of actual hell and singing like some sea shanties. Exactly. They're singing that they wrote Drunken Sailor. What do you do with a drunken sailor? Simple, you fucking put him in charge, you go fuck up the British.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

That's what you do with a drunken sailor. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

Fucking hysterical. Um, and then now probably and then if that couldn't have made him infamous and badass enough and give him the largest sack imaginable.

Bonhomme Richard Vs Serapis

SPEAKER_01 25:07

The battle between his flagship, the uh bo bo I'm probably pronouncing this wrong. The USS Bonum, B-O-N-H-O-M-M-A. Bonham, Bonham Richard, um, and the HMS Seraphis. The only way to describe the battle between these, like between these fleets, these ships, however it goes, it it was it was hell on the open seas. It was chaos, it was an incredibly intense battle. I think it was after one of their um raids as they were sailing back to the US. Um the HMS uh Serapis catches up with them in an open water, engages them. They turn to fight, broadsiding each other, all this other kind of fun stuff. There's explosions, there's bodies everywhere. Uh John Paul Jones is getting the fucking boots. He's getting his ass kicked. He's pretty sure this is it. If I'm going down, I'm going down in the blazest of glories ever.

SPEAKER_03 26:06

I can respect that. Don't die with a clean sword.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

Literally a blaze of glory. His ship is on fire. That second picture I sent, if you look in the back, his ship is on fire. It is actively sinking. Half his crew is dead. And he was like, Well, this is it, but I ain't going down like no bitch. And the British captain calls out to him, so this is actually this is the actual responses. The British captain pretty much calls I can only imagine they say that the British captain calls this out.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

So I'm just picturing, what is your name? What? What is your name?

SPEAKER_01 26:46

You know what that meme? That's what I'm picturing between these two fucking assholes. You know what I mean? Like, there's all these bombs and like explosions and shit going out.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

What's your Darren? Fuck you, Jared!

SPEAKER_01 26:56

Fuck you, is he here? Like, that's what I'm picturing, right? But anyway.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Like you're just picturing that. What's your name? John Paul! John Paul! No, John Paul, Jones! Oh, Darby's sorry, John Paul! You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 27:11

You know what I'm talking about fire over there? Don't bring my mother into this. You probably put my mother in this.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Anywho, the British captain calls out, have you struck your colours? Meaning, like, oi. You fucking quit? To which John Paul Jones responds, and I quote, suck it. Paraphrasing, that's what he meant. Strike my colours, I have not yet begun to fight. I love it. That's a great line. He goes, yo, you give up, bitch. I'm just getting started here. What are you talking about? Uh, now, his inferno of a flagship. Hard to port. Makes a beeline for the fucking British vessel. He was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna crash into him. He's gonna the originator of the Kamikaze, kinda, right? Well, as they do it, he all he now then starts to spin the ship the other way. Hopefully just kind of like catch it and broadside it. So he was like, if we're going down, we're going down like goddamn. We're gonna take our burning ship, we're gonna make it look like we're going so they're gonna try to like move out of our way, but really then we're gonna turn to get parallel with them. Uh we're going to jump onto their ship, and we're just you know, hand-to-hand comment for that. So now it's it's no longer ship to ship, it's man-to-man on the deck of the British ship. Well, it works pretty damn well for him. I said, so they are now not only they are attached on that one, he then ordered his men to then like what was left of the men to not only just okay, jump on and start killing everybody, but jump on and tie our ship to their ship. So it's like, listen. One of us goes down, both of us go down. The only way you guys don't go down is if you kill all of us, because you're stuck. We literally just tied our burning sinking ship to your ship. They hit with such force, and just the way that they perfectly hit, they actually kind of like wedged their ship a little bit out of the water, and like kind of onto theirs. So, like, technically they had a little bit they had the high ground, it was over Anakin. But that being said, some of the you know, so a typical like British galleon or American galleon at the time, so on and so forth, it's about two to three levels, and each one was loaded with cannons. The now bottom one is now where like the second one should be, the second one is where the first one should be, and the first one is now where the open fucking deck is. He still orders his men, hey, don't stop firing till they're all dead. But sir, what if we hit you? You fucking heard me. He gave the order to still fire the cannons and just obliterate the ship. Who gives a shit if we're on there? We're all dead anyway. So they are now using deck cannons to target single men on the deck of the British ship, and they're just launching full-blown fucking cannonballs at these guys. Oh my god. Which is the equivalent of using like RPG and like hand-to-hand close-quarter combat. Like they are clearing rooms with like artillery.

SPEAKER_02 30:24

Right. Holy shit.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Uh, spoiler alert, it worked, and they won. And they took that ship over. The British surrendered.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

Nice.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

Yeah, that was like his last like big, huge battle. Um, with that one. Literally, by the time he's done with that, he sails back. He he gets back in enough time to now use what's left of that pretty much completely shot to ship British vessel. They show up back to, they get like urgent messages, whatever the hell. You know, they go back to I think up to like Philadelphia or something like that when they were like, hey, a bunch of shit's popping off in the south. You should go there. No rest. Tells the men get back on the ship, grab booze, grab ammo, grab food. We gotta go down to Yorktown and literally helps support the French as they're preventing General Cornwallis from his retreat at Yorktown. Jesus. Doesn't even doesn't even get off to take a piss. He just goes from that battle immediately to um bolster the ranks down there. And then, and only then was he able to take a bit of a rest.

How Messages Crossed The Ocean

SPEAKER_03 31:36

You know, when I hear, like, okay. I'm gonna d take a little side detour here.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:43

When I hear of like these historical events, and they're like, okay, so they're over in uh British land in that part of Europe. We're all the way the fuck across the ocean in America. And like so by the time they get a message, I mean, that's gotta be like a month old at that time. So they're dealing with month-old information, then they've gotta it probably takes a month to sail back. Like they're caught.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

No, no, no, at that point, so when he got over to there, he got the messages from Philadelphia. There was just down in, you know, in the Carolinas, so eh, a couple of days.

SPEAKER_03 32:30

Oh, okay. So they're back, they're okay.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

Yeah, so once that shit that fight happened in the open ocean. So they're probably at the farthest away, they were probably halfway, if not two-thirds of the way, across the Atlantic.

SPEAKER_03 32:46

How do they even find them in the middle of the ocean to get messages to them? Like, it always blows my mind, like, how is this information because it's not like they have a tracker and you know the ocean is fucking big. Like, how do they f even find them to know where they are to get the information to them, to say, hey, you need to double back?

SPEAKER_01 33:09

It gets the line like sailing and wayfinding. So they had like typical like trade routes and trade routes, how it goes, and you'll follow the different constellations and the stars. So they knew that, like, yeah, the ocean is fucking huge, massive. But you know, there's okay, so the trade routes, the route that we take, our secret routes that we know are our ships, and 99% of the time are friendly, is gonna follow these constellations at these coordinates at these degrees, and so on and so forth. So they would literally just use the stars, you know. It's like, okay, so you know, take Orion's belt over the Sagittarius, and then from Sagittarius, you're gonna go down to the Big Dipper. If you reach Pisces, you've gone too far. You know what I mean? And you know, turn back around. So they literally would just use the stars. And you know, I don't know if that's actually what they called the different constellations, but they would use that way, so they know it's okay. So within this one, that one, if when we wake up, if the different constellations or the different areas are at the the other part are are at this part of the ship, we're facing the wrong way. We need to adjust course and all.

SPEAKER_03 34:07

See, I'd get so fucking lost. I would not be no, I get lost going from one end of the house to the other. Like, no.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

I don't want to sound like a boomer here, but it's because technology has made lives easier, so we don't have to kind of rely on the um the information and the knowledge and the technology that they did back then. So like you needed to fucking know how to read the stars because you like I said earlier, as a joke, it was like they didn't have GPS, they didn't have like you know, um navigation. They had charts, but they had but they had paper and a compass and crossed fucking fingers.

SPEAKER_03 34:43

I guess what I'm saying is like the speed of information was so slow, and you they were constantly dealing with like old information. So, you know, like by the time he got that message, there was all kinds of stuff could have popped off wherever they were telling him to go. It just always like and I know like you know, like it obviously worked out that you know throughout history and all that, but it just blows my mind about like how how they operated with such slow information and slow transportation and like still all worked out.

SPEAKER_01 35:22

George Washington was essentially the supreme commander of the colonial forces in the revolution, and so his I forget if it was like uh how he act- I forgot the way he put it all George Washington E. Lee, whatever the hell, you know, proper sounding and shit. But it was more or less like Exactly, when you get information, when shit gets dispatched to you, like you're working off pretty old information here. So the best way to prepare for it is expect that the worst case scenario happens. By the time you show up, you're the only one left.

SPEAKER_03 35:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

And that's what so prepare for that. So when you show up and you're not the only one left, we can adjust the plans accordingly. So he knew that, like, okay, I'm gonna send yeah, I'm getting my ass kicked to you know, yo, yeah, we're giving the boots to the British today, but like he's okay, it's gonna take three or four days for it to get there. They gotta get through the lines and also that kind of shit like that. Well, by the time anyone even shows up, if someone leaves there, we're talking at least a week. A lot of shit can happen in a week. So he was like, when you get messages, whatever they say, like expect the worst case scenario. Expect almost the opposite of what I said.

SPEAKER_03 36:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:31

And plan plan ahead for that. So if it means, okay, we've routed the British, their forces are, you know, we've you know, we've killed 400 of them, we've only lost 200. He he needs them to read that as like, we've killed 200 of theirs, we've just lost like a thousand of ours. When you get here, be ready to fight. Get ready for it. So they all just kind of operated off of that. So they were always ready for like that intense just that intensity. So they were always just like kind of prepared for it. I guess in modern day standards that's called having severe anxiety, but I guess maybe back then it's called battle tactics. Who knows?

SPEAKER_03 37:18

Anyway, go ahead. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

I'm not mentally disturbed. I'm not mentally disturbed, I'm just a 16th century war leader, that's all. Or what an 18th century fucking general, that's all. Whatever century they were in. George Washington would fucking love me. He probably wouldn't. He'd probably despise every single goddamn fiber of my being, but I digress. Technically, it's his fault. Anyhow. Um yeah, he lives the rest of his days uh of the war. Um, after the Battle of Yorktown and the surrender of General Cornwallis there. Um, just being a fucking menace to the British. Never really took days off. He just I get to shoot shit, I get to shoot the British, he goes, yeah, dude, just let me just let me fucking be. Just let me be. Now we're also not gonna talk about some of the war crimes that he

War Crimes And “Gentleman” Warfare

SPEAKER_01 38:10

possibly but a million percent did commit. But hey, it was war, baby. It happens.

SPEAKER_03 38:17

Oh, now I'm curious.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Poisoning water supplies, burning whole cities, and then all that kind of shit.

SPEAKER_03 38:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

It is pirate taxes, so it's like, even back then they weren't, you know, there was no Geneva Convention yet, but there still was what they called um the conduction uh was the the uh the conduction of gentlemen um to be structured warfare. There still had to be, you know um surrendering troops who were supposed to be, you know, they're supposed to be given quarter and aid um what the hell is it? Uh if what you call it, specifically um for the British, if there was like civilians who were aiding, you know, if there was like civilians who were just like aiding troops on either side of so on and so forth, if they were even remotely aiding the colonials, um they need to just be seen as people doing the right thing. They didn't have to necessarily be helping the British, they were just helping wounded people. Uh they were supposed to be left untouched. You know, they're not necessarily you know, just because they're you know tending the wounds of the enemy doesn't mean they're inherently bad people. If anything, it means they're just decent people.

SPEAKER_03 39:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

Um so there still was supposed to be law and order. Um you weren't supposed to um uh officers aren't supposed to be um treated any different than any of so like you're not supposed to like target the um you're not supposed to target the officers, you know. If an officer dies, an officer dies, but like he was like, Nope, fuck that noise, because if you kill the officers first, the rest of them don't know what to do, kill the fucking officers first.

SPEAKER_03 39:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

So technically that was labeled a war crime back then.

SPEAKER_03 39:56

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 39:57

Um because exactly that, because of just the way that the militaries were then was exactly like if you got rid of the if you got rid of like the the the sergeants, the generals, you started taking off the officers, like all the grunts like lose their fucking mind, and they it it all falls into chaos. There's no one to keep the kids together. Um He didn't give a shit. He says, no, no, this is how you identify a these are the officers. He goes, yeah. Shh treat them with extreme prejudice. They are first. Kill them first. Because then everyone else loses their minds. And trust me, it they're a lot easier to kill when they're panicking. Um yeah, he would poison water supplies. Um, so yeah, he would make water like undrinkable. He would actually like as they were like leaving the ports, he would actually dump some of the dead bodies like in the wells and in the reservoirs and shit like that to like poison the water. Um that's just kind of universally frowned upon. Uh there wasn't a whole lot of them, but there still were like technically some innocent people. Um there like still were like some innocents and civilians that lived in the ports that he would attack and raid. But then also, um, if you're doing that, if if you're if you are um oh, another one is you you weren't allowed to like fuck with supply lines of um like actual supplies like food and water and medicine. Um if you come across one, you were not you were not allowed to take all of the supplies. You could take half. It was literally like respected, up, you caught us. You're allowed some, but you can't take everything. Like people still need food and water, and if you did that, it was seen as torturing the enemy, and so you're not supposed to torture, you're supposed to just kill the enemy.

SPEAKER_03 41:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Which is very interesting. I almost feel like we need to bring back some of the things from back then.

SPEAKER_00 41:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:51

Even though technically all this stuff is the Geneva Conventions, but no one gives a fuck of them anymore. Some countries it's the Geneva suggestions, and like a fucking some countries like it's a fucking shopping list.

SPEAKER_00 42:01

Right.

SPEAKER_01 42:02

But um, yeah, it was just um war was conducted very, very differently then. Um and but if you couldn't tell, John Paul Jones kinda didn't give a shit. He kinda didn't give a shit. I'm just very curious of why he hated the British. Uh and all of that It seems like the Scotsman deep hatred.

SPEAKER_03 42:24

Well, I think, you know, if you're a Scotsman, I mean, you know, there is that inherent deep hatred of the British because of, you know, all the political stuff and you know, the Jacobites and all of that. I mean, even to the point where and you've seen the clips where um the Irish and the Scottish will put their hands in their pockets when they meet the royals.

SPEAKER_01 42:53

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, that was actually I think that was around that time too, where it was like any, you know, you're supposed to like your hands out and salute and bound those other kind of function. Anyone with their anyone with their hands in their pockets will be shot on site. So yeah, to this day.

SPEAKER_00 43:04

To this day, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:06

It's just a part of their culture where they just keep their hands in their pockets. And what's nuts is that like they know that and they respect that because it's a part of their culture. I'll never forget. I think it actually it was the the clip that you sent me that one time. There's that one of um Killian Murphy did that. Killian Murphy and what's his name? The other uh B Barry Barry whatever the shit his name is. But he was also in Dunkirk. Um so yeah, they're there because they are both Irishmen. It's just a part of their culture now. You just your hands are in your pockets when the royals are by. And um, yeah, there was one one time where like when that video was start first surfacing, you know, he was on like the Colbert report or something. You know, he's on one of the talk shows or one of the Jimmies or something like that, right? And they were asking him about it, and he just kind of explained it and he goes, like, you know, it's just uh which I forgot what he said. He goes, like, you know, for the conversations we've had, they're actually they're lovely people, like they're not bad people, it's nothing personal. It's just you know it's just what we do. It's our thing. It's he goes like are they lovely people? He goes, Yeah, are they nice people? He goes, Yeah. He goes, but I'm an Irishman first, and that's just what we do.

SPEAKER_03 44:12

Right. Right. So like it doesn't surprise me that he had this deep, you know, seated I mean it's like it's a deep cultural thing where they even to this day, you know, there's like this there's this that undercurrent of like you guys really fucked us over and we're never going to forget it. Yeah. So yeah, no, I I I can understand why he had, you know, like this hatred of I'm just saying this though.

SPEAKER_01 44:47

Um if it if like the rules were reversed and like the British like a deep hatred to the Scots, um I'm pretty sure it was because of this guy.

SPEAKER_03 44:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:56

Pretty sure it was because of this guy. Like this guy makes William Wallace look like the fucking Girl Scots.

SPEAKER_03 45:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Like fighting for like the Scottish independence from the English. Like this guy was fucking unhinged. He was a goddamn attack dog for like no reason.

SPEAKER_03 45:11

Um, that's great.

SPEAKER_01 45:13

Yeah, I the other thing I think is a bit pretty cool with this one too.

Death In Paris And A Naval Afterlife

SPEAKER_01 45:16

Yeah. Um I forgot what I forgot to write down what uh what he died of or how he died or whatever. But in 1792, um John Paul Jones dies. He's buried in an unmarked grave in Paris. He's buried with his uniform and his weaponies, he's buried with all of his stuff.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

So it's not like he was just Paris.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

Ah, that's just where he lived. He liked it over there. He made a lot of friends over there. Made a lot of friends. Okay. And um he was just buried in an unmarked grave in Paris with like I said, with all of his stuff. So it was actually shown that he, you know, that when they his body was discovered, um you know, there was like care. It's not like, oh, yep, just thump him on in. You know, it's not like it was like a mass grave or anything like that. Um they just okay, this this is him. Now, whether something happened to the tombstone or whatever, um, work was being done like a like a hundredish years later, like actually like in 18 almost, you know, almost in 1900, like the early 1900s, I want to say. Um, you know, they're developing that area and they stumble across a whole bunch of you know human remains. And they're all like, Man, I'm pretty sure that's that fucking guy. Oh yeah. And uh because like I say, because they found out with his sword and with all of his stuff. Because, you know, we're talking the 1900s, you know, they couldn't just like, oh, take a DNA sample. Yeah, quick question, yeah. What the fuck's DNA? Yeah, like you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 46:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:43

So, you know, nowadays it's just like, oh, that's a bone. They could tell you the last time that guy shat and what was in it, like just by like scraping a little bit of your skull for crying out loud, which still blows my goddamn mind. It makes more sense how the hell they were able to navigate across the world back then with like a compass in the sun, even at night, than it does of like, oh yeah, no, that's all this stuff about a skull. What'd you do? Oh, we just scraped it and put it in this machine. Yeah, no, the fuck you did. Fuck you, pointaster. That doesn't make sense. That's no, you didn't. Anyhow. Um. Yes, they found out like who that was. Hey, that's that guy who like fucked up the Brits and all this other shit, right? He goes, Yeah, hmm. You think America wants him back? I don't know, let's ask him. Yo, America, you want your sea goblin back? Like, absolutely. We've actually you actually have no idea. We've been looking for like 110 years for our sea goblin. May we have him back? Um that big fancy tomb was made for him, and he's actually buried at the uh Naval Academy in Annapolis now.

SPEAKER_02 47:43

Oh nice.

SPEAKER_01 47:44

That's one of like the big statues right there, and it just it yeah, and it has um strike my colors, I have not yet begun to fight. It's like he is like the god of the navy. This man. If he couldn't tell.

SPEAKER_03 47:58

Yeah. I mean, and rightfully so.

unknown 48:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:03

He was like the he was like the first, like I said, he was like one of the f you know, there was like the first class of like American naval officers. He was you know, of like the first like f like dozen of them or so. Yeah. He was definitely the most famous one.

SPEAKER_03 48:19

So after after like America became a country, America, did he and you may not know this, I guess it's just a general question, but I just I wondered, did he did he ever call himself an American or did he hang on to his you know, Scottish identity?

SPEAKER_01 48:39

Was he always a he was he was a free man. That's what he saw. He was a free man. He didn't fly, he only um he yeah, he said he flew no flag. Uh he flew no flag except the one that treated him the best kind of a thing.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

Hmm, okay.

SPEAKER_01 48:56

Um, and because because actually after the war, so many other countries tried to hire him. And he just wouldn't because he was like, I don't know you. Yeah. Um, like what's her name? Um, fuck Russia. Catherine Catherine of Russia.

SPEAKER_03 49:13

Okay, Catherine the Great?

SPEAKER_01 49:14

Catherine the Great, thank you very much. Yeah. She tried hiring him, and he was just like, How about this? Let me motorboat them things and I'll think about it. So, like, there is no there is no confirmation nor denial. Um they can either confirm nor deny that some freaky should happen between the two of them. All I know is that like she tried to like hire him, like, hey, do me a favor, yeah, kill people for Russia? And he was like, nah.

SPEAKER_02 49:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:46

I'm gonna kill that ass, but like, I'm not gonna go kill their asses, like, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 49:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 49:53

Yeah, so so many other tri countries tried to hire him. And um, does that mean he lived a life of peace? Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_03 50:02

But oh I'm sure, like, well, and he had, you know, he had he had made all these friends from you know, his former life where he was, you know, causing trouble and freeing slaves, and so I would imagine you would get to a point, especially like if he died of an old age. That you just it has to be a a time where you're just kind of like, I've seen enough shit in my life that I'm just kinda done with it. I'm I'm you know, I'm sure he probably still was like I don't think you can take the um rebel rousing out of somebody like that.

SPEAKER_01 50:56

Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_03 50:57

But I think he probably got to a point where he just was like, nah, I'm done. I'm done with it.

SPEAKER_01 51:05

I I doubt it. I doubt it. He sounds like he's the he's one of the first examples of uh Lemmy from Motorhead of just like living like the most rock and roll fucking life ever. Like I think he told you that before, like Lemmy was like really, really old and like sick and like dying and shit because he'd lived like he was the physical embodiment of the words rock and roll.

SPEAKER_00 51:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:29

Um so he goes for a checkup one time, this doctor's like, Well, your heart's bad, you this is bad, you're that's bad, this and you gotta change all your you have to change all your health habits. And this son of a bitch apparently looks his doctor dead in the eye and says, Alright doc, how about this? I'll switch from dark liquor to clear liquor instead of except for Jack Daniels. Um I'll stop doing Um I'll stop do I'll stop doing Um Like pills and a bunch of other drugs. I'll just smoke weed and do cocaine a little bit. I'll stop having I'll stop having sex with a lot of women at one time. I'll have sex with just one woman and I'll use more toys. How does that sound, Doc? And the doctor was like, I why did I even think that this was gonna go any other way?

SPEAKER_03 52:15

Right. Right?

SPEAKER_01 52:16

So I'm pretty sure that John Paul Jones was the exact same way, but just like, okay, so instead of beheading them, I'll just stab them. Instead of using my cannons in open combat, we'll just use muskets instead of poisoning the water supply, we'll just drown people. Does that sound good? Like, how about that? Like he was just so violent. But like Yeah like justified. He was like justified he was he almost borderline justifiable genocide, if you think about it. Like the mass scale.

SPEAKER_03 52:50

Well, and I don't know. I just I just think that, you know, oh when you're when you're like war is not pretty, and I just I don't understand like some of these like the gentlemanly rules of engagement, you know, especially back way back in the day, like it just never made sense to me. Like if you're if you have an enemy, you have to kill that enemy. You have to take that enemy, and you have to take out anything that could possibly spawn from you killing that enemy.

SPEAKER_01 53:32

Like Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 53:35

All is fair and not in war.

SPEAKER_01 53:37

Exactly, but like that there was a couple of things that you can you can make the um argument for that, okay, that's a legitimate thing. Like one, leave the civilians alone.

SPEAKER_03 53:50

Yeah, leave the civilians alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave them alone.

SPEAKER_01 53:52

And you can't you can't hold them and you can't hold them accountable or treat them as like spies or traitors or whatever the hell it is, just because they are tending to the wounded. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 54:07

Now that that I agree with. But like I think about like the the thing like where you oh don't harm an officer. The fuck? No.

SPEAKER_01 54:15

No, they didn't okay, so they didn't say don't harm the officers. You just can't treat them any you know, don't specif don't go out of your way to make sure all the officers die. Like if they die, they die. But like if you if you if you specifically target them in an engagement, oh yeah, no, you're you're makes no sense whatsoever.

SPEAKER_03 54:34

It makes more sense to be like.

SPEAKER_01 54:36

You are barking up the most correct tree right now. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 54:40

Those are the people that you should be targeting.

SPEAKER_01 54:44

Yeah, exactly. Like, if anything, they're easier to because they have stupider fucking hats, and it's very easy to see them. Like and see the chaos to run away.

SPEAKER_03 54:54

Don't go for the guy on the little drum, you know, like go to the guy.

SPEAKER_01 54:59

He just lost. He could be going to he could he could be going to welcome the new messiah with you know, all that other shit. Insert little drummer boy joke there. Um, you don't know, leave him alone. But the guy with like the big fucking dumb hat and coat and buttons and the biggest.

SPEAKER_03 55:15

Yeah, with the big feather and the yeah. Fuck yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:18

That guy in his rural British country asshole.

unknown 55:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:23

Get the fuck out of here with that horse shit, man. Yeah, no. Absolutely kill them first. Um yeah, as for like the food and the water. Yeah. Like the food and the water, the meds, things like that. One goes, yeah, but guess what? Uh I'm taking all of this. You know what? I won't kill you. How about that? You can keep the cart, but I'm taking everything from the cart. And they're like, no, you're not. He goes, Well, I could just fucking kill you. How about that, bud? No, we don't like that. Too late. Bang! Like, come on. Yeah. Get get the get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, bud.

SPEAKER_02 55:54

Yeah. Exactly.

unknown 55:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:58

I just. Oh man. Oh yeah. This was another one that I forgot to put in there, because I forgot like the timing of

Forged Flags And Laughable Disguises

SPEAKER_01 56:08

it. During one of his raids, like his like flag was like like essentially like his flag was lost. And if you pretty much like if you showed up and you didn't have the right paperwork or the right, you know, if you didn't show up and you're just like an unmarked ship and you with certain goods that are clearly stolen or whatever, you can and will be tried as a pirate. So he quickly told Um, I think he was like in Belgium at this time when this was happening. So he quickly tells the Um the harbor master there, like, hey, this is what the flag like looks like. Like this is like he kind of like describes like hey, this is what the American flag looks like. You know, with the you know, the the fucking the stars in the circle and the stripes, like the original 13 colonies flag, right?

SPEAKER_03 56:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:58

And whatever the hell it was. And they made him one like so fucking fast. They literally made him one within like a couple of hours. So like by the time the like the dock officials got there, they're like, Yeah, look, here's their flag. They but there was something wrong. Here you go. Here's their flag. They're Americans. Oh, okay, yeah, you're good. You are not a pirate. Like, you're free to go.

SPEAKER_03 57:20

It w it had to be so fucking easy to forge stuff back then too. Like, how are you gonna authenticate it?

SPEAKER_01 57:27

The man lived with the hid from the British he hid from the British fucking empire by just I'm not John Paul, I'm John Paul Jones. That's the origin I bet you any amount of money in both my left nuts that that's where George Lucas got the No, he's not Obi-Wan Kenobi. He's just Ben Kenobi.

SPEAKER_02 57:44

Ben Kenobi, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:46

Yeah. Great changing your fucking name there, dingus. Get the fuck out of here on that shit.

SPEAKER_03 57:50

You're looking for somebody with two first names. I have two first names and a last name. Different person. Totally different person.

SPEAKER_01 57:57

You're right. You're absolutely right. We are looking for a Scottish man hiding out in the U.S. at the summit to you. We're looking for a Scottish man hiding out here in the colonies. His name is John Paul. You're a Scottish man here in the US. Called John Paul Jones. He goes, Yeah. It's not me, bud. Sorry for the interruption. Have a lovely day. Tea and crumpets, tea and crumpets.

SPEAKER_03 58:22

Like the fuck? Come on, man. He had them uh Clark Kent glasses on. He had them.

SPEAKER_01 58:31

No, he just threw his bagpipes and grabbed like a fucking like tea saucer and some biscuits. Yeah. Like, oh cover right, so one of us like sausage, a bit sausages. Oh god, Chris is gonna fucking yell at me for all this bullshit at the end of the episode, huh?

SPEAKER_03 58:50

Maybe. I think he would agree though. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 58:54

Right? Oh, here's another real fun one.

A 1999 Pardon And Final Sign-Off

SPEAKER_01 59:00

Yes. Picture this. White Haven in the what UK? Brit whatever the fuck they're called now? Yeah, picture this. 1999. UK. The town he b fucking decimated, Whitehaven.

SPEAKER_03 59:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:19

They gave him a full pardon in 1999.

SPEAKER_03 59:23

Whoa.

SPEAKER_01 59:24

They gave him a pardon.

SPEAKER_03 59:26

Why?

SPEAKER_01 59:28

Because of the size of his gigantic scrotum, that's why. Tis the biggest scrotum they done ever did see.

SPEAKER_03 59:38

I mean, but why? Like, why would you that's like No. That's a good thing.

SPEAKER_01 59:47

They gotta respect game. Game respects game. That's what it was.

SPEAKER_03 59:51

Yeah, maybe it was some kind of like, yeah, I don't know, but like We suck, we had a lot of slaves.

SPEAKER_01 59:57

He was catching us on our bullshit.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:00

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:02

That would be like us giving like Al-Qaeda like a fucking pass for 9-11, I'm not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:06

Yeah, or I was thinking of like Pearl Harbor. That's like us just like forgiving what happened in Pearl Harbor.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:16

Oh no, we forgave. We forgave the Japanese what happened in Pearl Harbor. We gave. Oh we oh, we gave twice.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:24

We gave we gave.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:26

But like Jesus. Oh my god. Alright.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:29

I really thought you were gonna say I thought you were gonna say like they erected a statue or something of him.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:35

No, that would have been fucking awesome, though. That'd have been the coolest fucking shit. Yeah, so this has been Kyle and Angie of the Silly Goose Society, because it isn't until right now that I realize I didn't say hi. Welcome back. I'm Kyle. This is Angie from the Silly Goose Society. Anywho.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:49

Yeah, you know what? At this point, if they don't know our names.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:54

Get Fox Knight.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:55

Yeah, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:57

Anywho, Kyle and Angie, Silly Goose Society, reminding you, stay weird, stay dangerous, stay silly, and if your ship is sinking and on fire, you have not yet begun to fight.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:09

Yes. Honk.